Ahhh re-makes, does anything stir up controversy, set fanboy's blood boiling, or fire up message boards across the genre quite like the news that a beloved "classic" is being re-made? Like it or not, they seem to be here to stay for the immediate future, some I enjoyed ("Last House on the Left" and "The Hills Have Eyes" are but two) and some I despised (fuck you "Friday the 13th" re-make! Fuck you right in the eyehole of your fucking cheap hockey mask!!), but lately, a lot of hate has been directed at the recent "Evil Dead" redux. Now, far be it from me to tell you what to like, but some of the reasons cited for hating on this (and a lot of other re-makes) are just plain absurd.
So, please, for a moment, clear your mind of any pre conceived notions of supposed suction, and follow me!
REASONS YOU SOUND LIKE A WHINY FANBOY...
1. "This abomination adds too much, assumes to much too of the original's story, or it's a 'Shot-for-Shot' copy"
Okay, so "The Omen" was a slavish copy of the original (and also sucked), but you guys get fired up when a director expands on a story to avoid this criticism too! Example-Rob Zombie's "Halloween". "He added too much!! There's no mystery to Myers anymore!! He pissed all over Carpenter's vision!! He made Michael too human!!"--do those sound familiar? Maybe you uttered those same phrases, or maybe posted them on a board on the 'net? C'mon someone did, these things just don't happen! And when Zombie threw the whole original outline out the window for "H2"--you all cried foul again! Anyways, whether you want to own up to it or not, you're damning the film makers no matter the route they choose. "Evil Dead" featured a storyline that actually was a lot more challenging than the original's, they kept the vital parts intact, and added some nuances that worked really well in my opinion. So, in reaching a sort of "middle ground" they may have pandered to the demographic a bit, but hey, fucked if they do-fucked if they don't, right?
2. "'Evil Dead 2013' was FULL of plot holes!!"
Seriously? You just made that fucking argument with a straight face?? Have you watched the original lately?? Go ahead, pop in the DVD, check it out-I'll be here when you get back...See? The original had major plot holes as well--I ain't even going into them here. So, if you're going to bag on the re-make for that, get a grip. And if you're pissed that they didn't "fix" the plot holes? See item #1.
3. "Characters--I didn't care about them, too one dimensional, also, where were the iconic names??"
Okay let me break this down for you--"A Nightmare on Elm St."--the re-make wasn't a terrible film, no, let that sink in for a second, it really wasn't. The reason it didn't fly with genre fans? No Robert Englund!! No offense to Jackie Earle Haley (or Kelly Leake), dude, I loved him in "Watchmen", but there's no Freddy without Robert! Now, imagine for a second, Ash without Bruce Campbell...scary isn't it? Exactly! And one dimensional, "throw away" characters?? Okay, a little challenge, you know all of those 80's slasher films that clogged up the video shelves back in the day that are now regarded as "classics" even though they're mostly artless tripe?? Name some characters, other than the iconic killers themselves (or the occasional final girl)...annnnnnd...GO! Most of the time when a genre film, like "Evil Dead", takes time with character development, everybody screams "BOOOOORINGGG!! get on with the carnage already!!". So, again, it's no win situation for a writer/director.
4. "The plot was sooooo predictable"
Again, seriously?? What? Did you want everyone to live happily ever after?? This is a horror film for shit's sake!! There's an axe in corner of this house? Of course it's going to eventually be used to chop a fucker up!!! Someone goes into the cellar alone?? Of course they're going to meet a bad goddamned end!! And, on top of all of this, it's a RE-MAKE!!!! If you want all kinds of plot variations, watch a "new" film (or see item #1).
5. "How dare they re-make this classic anyways?"
This is an easy one--DON'T BUY A TICKET! Really, if you want the current trend of re-making every marginally successful horror film to end--don't support it!!
is built on money, it literally talks while bullshit walks. If nobody is buying
it, they'll quit selling it--supply and demand folks! Bitching on social media
probably won't do it, especially if you're bitching after you've paid 25 bucks
for the blu-ray. And, while we're on the subject, the word "classic"
is getting applied to a lot of turds lately. Case in point, the "Night of
the Demons" re-make. Now, whatever your opinion of this
"classic" (*cough-cough*, sorry, had something in my throat
there...), the fanboy whining about it was priceless!! The original is not now,
nor was it ever, an "art" film. Yet the passion that people
complained about the re-make with was mind boggling!! I honestly think the only way
the producers would have made anyone even a tiny bit happy would have been to
trot out Linnea Quigley to drop her top or something!! Good thing they didn't
go that far, but I don't think I'm alone in the opinion that they made a new
film that was in many ways more entertaining than the original. Just goes to
show, one man's "classic" is another man's cinematic stool sample! Hollywood
Bottom line--there's a lot to like about "Evil Dead 2013", it's violent, gory, cringe inducing in parts, and was made with a careful eye on the expectations of the fans. Embrace that shit! If they're going to keep churning out re-makes, at least we, as horror loving chuckle-heads, can support the ones that make a decent effort at re-telling a story we've all grown to love. If, after me trying desperately to make you see the light, you still want to whine, cry, and bitch about re-makes (even the quality ones), then just say "I didn't like it" or "I like the original better" rather than trying to prop up some half-assed reason or logic as to WHY it sucks!
Now, who's ready for the "Munster Go Home" re-make with Johnny Depp and Nic Cage?? Whooooooooooo-Hooooooooo!!!
All complaints, death threats, bottles of free booze, and requests for sexually explicit "selfies" of other horror film reviewers (I'm looking at YOU James DePaolo!) can be sent to: tom@NerdRemix.com